Beyond Babedom

We're (way) over 40. Deal with it.


How often has this happened to you? Your phone rings at 11 PM, 3 AM or 6 AM (whatever constitutes the middle of the night for you) and it’s your friend, in the middle of a crisis. No, not an emergency, like a car accident –  – a crisis, like her boyfriend just broke up with her. Or maybe she just realized he’s probably been cheating on her. And she wants your advice.


I haven’t gotten one in the middle of the night recently (probably because the phone is on Gary’s side of the bed), but  now those conversations  happen mid morning or early evening or at lunch.  I hate my job; what should I do? I hate where I live; where can I move? Do you think he’s done cheating on me? Do you think he’s done hitting me? Should I leave him? Do you think he’ll leave his wife? Should I ask him if he’s still with his wife?

Does it matter what my answer is? You know it doesn’t. Because they never really want to know what I think. They just want me to agree that they should stay, they should call, they should wait, they should heal. And it drives me crazy.

Not every problem is about their man, just most of them. And, even though I’m talking about all kinds of “crises,” I’m going to use the “man” crisis to illustrate my point.

Which is: if you want to stay with your no-good, nasty, cheating, lying, abusive husbands/boyfriends, then stay. But stop calling me and pretending that you’re trying to make a rational decision. You just want me to feel sorry for you and I’ve run out of sorry. He’s so jealous that you can’t be honest with him? Problem! He expects you to pay for everything? Problem! He cheats on you? Problem! He lies to you? Problem! He beats you? BIG problem!

But, you know what your biggest problem is?

You. You’re insane.

Yes, you’re insane because you think you can keep doing the same things, over and over, and your life will change anyway. Hello! Did you ever see a fly slamming against a window, over and over, trying to get outside? That’s what you’re doing when you stay in a situation that makes you miserable: a relationship, a job, a friendship. It is not going to change on its own. It will only change if you – YOU – change it.

So, don’t call me crying that your boss passed on you again for that promotion. Or that your dog takes your seat on the couch. Or that your man hit you – again.

Just do something.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, over and over, and expecting different results –  Albert Einstein

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 7th, 2009 at 1:39 AM and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. Patrice says:

    Insanity….I know all about it. As far as you ladies that keep going back for more of the same sheit from men, I suggest you read an exceptional book…..”He’s just not that into you”….OMG, I fell into every single situation that was written about! Yea, insanity…..doing the same thng over and over and expecting different results. Try a 12 step program, too. They’re out there for every situation imaginable! If you are having a “crisis” and call me in the middle of the night-it better be truly a crisis..or you will deal with the wrath of Patrice! (not as bad as Lucille, I’m sure)

  2. Camille says:

    Asking for advice doesn’t mean you have to take it. I don’t think someone asking for advice is asking you to solve their problem. Just because you give someone advice or offer your opinion doesn’t mean they should follow it.

  3. Jackie says:

    Was there for a long time….did not listen because it was not what I wanted to hear.. Sometimes you have to come to the realization on your own…. Then when you do …..light bulbs go off in your head!

  4. Tony Vito Paccione says:

    It just occurred to me that perhaps a friend who keeps coming to you with their issues are probably going to ALL of their friends with the same woes. They are creating a census! They will either take all the advice in, and then choose which solution works best for them….. hmmmmm – I think I do that sometimes. Indeed, there have been times when someone comes to me for a solution; I give them my best “fix” tried and true by experience, and as soon as I finish giving them the information, they ask the same question to the next friend they talk to, RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! I feel insulted.

    With women this scenario takes on an entirely different dynamic however, because self-stability and security plays a part. A married woman feels the need to “stay with the problem” sometimes as a survival choice, and perhaps it becomes a “choose between two evils” type of thing. Some feel they can’t make it on their own, so they stay with the “problem”.

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