Beyond Babedom

We're (way) over 40. Deal with it.

Slap Yourself

Every wanted to go back in time and slap yourself? Not me. Everything I’ve done, every relationship I started/ended, every decision I’ve made was right, right, right.


Oh, yes, when I think back to college  and beyond (but not as far back as high school, because we were all idiots back then), I did some pretty stupid things and I put up with some pretty lousy guys. Alas, I can’t go back in time. But if I could, I would give myself an earful.

As though I’d actually listen.

I don’t have to rely on my memory to recall some of the dumb things I’ve done. I’ve routinely kept a diary (or “journal”  – as though there is a difference), wrote letters to _________ (Yes; blank. Letters to _________. She never did respond, but I could tell her everything, without fear of reprisal),  and kept other, sundry notes on what was going on in my life. They are all there, in painful black and white, to remind me forever and ever of every bad decision I made, every opportunity I squandered.

But, just in case I could time travel and if by the slightest chance I would listen to myself, this is what I’d say:

  1. Never, never, never date a guy that you wouldn’t be friends with, too. Think about it: would you stand for your girlfriend standing you up? Disrespecting you in front of your other friends? Absolutely refusing to do anything you want to do and insisting you always do what she  wants to? If your answer is yes, than slap yourself twice.
  2. Ask him if he has a girlfriend.  Amazingly, guys won’t always  be upfront with that kind of detail. You know when you started dating D___ and you didn’t ask him? Do you also remember finding out, a year later, when he never showed up to the special birthday celebration you planned for him because he was with her?
  3. Use moisturizer. I’m not kidding. You will be so glad you did, in about 30 years.
  4. Do not over tweeze. Some day you will really, really thank me.
  5. Do not lend your favorite anything  to anybody. I don’t care who she is, no one will take care of your stuff like you do. And you will never forgive her for the wine stain on that incredibly expensive cashmere sweater.
  6. Ask him to dance. Or to dinner. Or to some special event. Even if you think he’ll say no. What’s the worst that can happen? He’ll say no. But please refer to #2 first.
  7. When you go on vacation, just enjoy it. Really; no one is checking out your hairstyle, your bathing suit or your pores half as much as you are.
  8. Do not lie about your age. Younger or older. But especially younger. What do you gain, really? People thinking you look old for your age? Now that I think about it, you might want to say that you’re older than you are. People will think you look absolutely marvelous.
  9. Don’t let fear stop you. Take that new job. Go on vacation by yourself. Smile at that cute guy. On the other hand, think twice before you let someone talk you into something illegal and dangerous. Or maybe three times.
  10. Write things down. You will really enjoy seeing what an idiot you were years from now.

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, September 12th, 2012 at 1:36 PM and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. Lucille says:

    One more: don’t worry about being normal. Normal is overrated.

  2. Patrice says:

    I have no regrets. Every mistake, every screwup has molded me into the woman I am today. I’m not ashamed of my, just guilty of it.

    As far as normal—-that’s a cycle on washing machine.

    Peace & gratitude

  3. Kirk says:

    I shudder to read what you might have written about me. If you wrote anything about me.


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