Beyond Babedom

We're (way) over 40. Deal with it.

Beefcake Baristas

This is a special guest column by Christine of The Christine Show. Visit her blog at

Who the hell even CARES if he can make coffee?  Look at him!  If he ever turned up at the little coffee shop in my town, he could hand me a cup full of rusty nails … I’d still go back for seconds.

I have a theory about coffee.  If you make it, and you make it well, I will drink it.  And I will probably drink more than just one cup.  I average 7 (yes … 7) cups of coffee a day.  Drinking any less brings on a caffeine headache that nothing but, well, caffeine can cure.  So it’s best that I just stick to the bean and skip the useless headache meds that do nothing.

And I can’t help but notice what’s made the news recently … Bikini Baristas.  Um.  Okay.  That’s great for the guys.  Good for them that now they have something to stare at while they’re waiting for their hot whipped latte.  Give ‘em some boobies with their cup of joe, and they’ll be good for the rest of the day.  The guys who are true, die-hard coffee drinkers will end up wired out of their minds, because they’ll be going back for each shift change at the coffee shop, just to see who’s coming up next.

The guys who don’t drink coffee, but just want to go for the show, will still end up spending money.  Paying $4 for a coffee that they’ll end up throwing away is a small price to pay for imagining themselves playing ‘motor boat’ with Heather, or imagining bikini-clad Gretchen serving them coffee at the office.

But what about us gals?  What do we get?  I don’t think my day would have the same jump start if I had to avert my eyes from Ashley’s rack while clumsily fumbling for the coffee she placed on the counter in front of me.  It would just result in me tipping the cup over, and her leaning onto the counter to help clean it up.  Not a good visual. And who needs the jealousy?  Like I need to be reminded of how I looked in my prime.  Hey, bitch, give birth to two kids and get through two divorces and work two jobs to make up for the lack of child support.  Then we’ll see how the girls hold up.

How about some Beefcake Baristas for the ladies?  Shirtless, ripped, 6-pack abs, tight-and-low-riding-jean-wearing Beefcakes.  Beefcakes who smell like a combination of Giorgio Armani’s Acqua Di Gio and 100% Columbian roast.  A little eye candy for the ladies.  Some boy-toys that we can fantasize about.  Stimulate our senses.  Why should only men be given a thrill when grabbing a cup to-go?

Everyone knows it’s the women who control the purse strings in a relationship.  Give us a reason to blush a little in the mornings, and we’ll make sure the men have plenty of dollar bills to throw at Ashley, Heather, and Gretchen.  Hey guys – go ahead and look!  Burn the image of scantily-clad women in your brain.  Whatever it takes to keep you away from us when we’re trying to get a good night’s sleep and start our dream-weaving.  Ladies … am I right?

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, February 17th, 2010 at 12:00 PM and is filed under Guest Contributor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. Tony Paccione says:

    I’ll be honest… as base as this is, if my local coffee shop… ok Starf****, has girls in bikinis doling out coffee, i’m there. ok Starf****, has girls in bikinis doling out coffee, i’m there. (that was on purpose, just in case you miseed something).. I’ve already come to the realization that young girls think any man over 35 is weird and creepy; i’m ok with that, so given the opportunity to intentionally feast my eyes on nicely shaped waiste’s and nicely formed backs, oh yeah, the shapley ta-ta’s and robustly rounded built-in seat cushions will also be fair game will not be wasted.

    On the other hand, women are tricky… I was a male dancer so I do have some insight here.. I think a bikini clad barista will do very well, BUT, even better a bikini clad barista that tends to have “tip slips” would do soooooo much better. lol I’m not kidding!! I think girls secretly like to get that little sneak peak at real skin!


  2. All well and good, but with all the soft porn on HBO each night, life has become a walking version of Gray’s Anatomy (the book – not the show). Know what it looks like – know (from experience) how it works. But, perhaps a lap dance while I ingest my Juan Valdez brew might be worth the extra charge. Fantisy lives in my head, not my coffee shop. Maybe it has something to do with my age. Huh

  3. Judy Herring says:

    I suppose someone has to be the first “chick” to respond – here I go..I live in Phoenix, AZ where a LOT of people take very good care of themselves – many don’t wear a lot of clothing (coats, jackets etc…because of our heat) so…we see a LOT most of the time. And, because of that, many, many girls and guys are in pretty good shape. I can go to Star*ucks and see guys in shorts and t-shirts who look quite fine, and I can see ladies in even shorter shorts and tanks tops that remind me how nice it was to be 21 year old.Maybe I’m showing my “maturity” at 52 but I’m more attracted to a man in a nicely fitted pair of slacks, dress shirt without the tie, first two or three buttons undone and a great smile than a man in shorts and t. Regarding the ladies, if she’s got it, go for it – Phoenix was recently named the capital of plastic surgery – yes, we beat out Beverly Hills. Now..back to the coffee..I’m a full time student doing post graduate work – I can’t afford to go to a coffee shop!

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