Beyond Babedom

We're (way) over 40. Deal with it.

Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That

I’m not gay. Happy, yes (at the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell), but not gay. But I do sometimes think about what separates straights from gays. Besides the obvious sex thing. Because the older I get, the more I think about the feelings I have for some women.

Now, I expect some snarky comments – Oooooooo.  Lucille has lesbian fantasies – but that’s not at all what this is about.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

No, what I mean is I’ve had several female friends over the years that I just love. Love. I love spending time with them; I hate it when they’re not around. I’ve even felt somewhat jealous or slighted when they prefer to spend time with someone else. Does that make me gay?

I’m pretty confident most people have these same feelings; after all, isn’t that what a bromance is? Men get all weirded out when you point this out – they take great pains to avoid any hint of gayness. But sometimes women get unnerved, too. What is so scary about admitting to loving someone who is the same sex? We love our parents, aunts, uncles, sibs. Sure, we don’t want to have sex with them (well . . .  most of us don’t), so why all the angst?

It goes back to that otherness we assign to gay people. Just like we do – some of us, anyway – to Blacks, Latinos, Muslims. I think the key to fully accepting gays and lesbians throughout our society is to accept that we can love – really love – anyone. That goes for other races, other religions, other cultures.

Now, wouldn’t that be a great Christmas gift?

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This entry was posted on Wednesday, December 22nd, 2010 at 6:45 PM and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. Dick Herman says:

    Our feelings for people is (should be) based on who they are. Their personality, their compassion, their empathy, and caring about YOU. I love my children with an unmatched passion and depth. Does that make me “one of those”? No. Your connection with people has (should have) more about how they impact you than what is located about a foot below their belly button.

  2. Camille says:

    I love your post. I have many femaale friends that I love. And I tell them-and they tell me. We hang up from a phone call after not having spoken in awhile saying, “love you”. I feel sorry for the men who can’t admit or allow themselves to have that kind of relationship and admit they love their friends. And if we could all accept that we can love “others” I agree that would be the best Christmas present of all.

  3. Richard says:

    really? hmm.. I agree, about the women thing (sometimes, and sometimes I don’t care at all – they’re like a skeleton with clothes draped over them – yuk) .. but I certainly think the repeal of the don’t ask, don’t tell is a good thing. My son said that if they didn’t the supreme court would have.

  4. Tony says:

    No, I don’t have a closeness with any guys, never did and probably never will. I was never the “hangin with the guys” or “boys night out” type. Yes, I did play basketball on a highly competitive level both in HS and at Monmouth, but when the game or practice was over, I was making a bee line to whatever beautiful flame was burning that night.

    Many people are apparently still confused about what gay is. The ONLY thing that differentiates a gay person from a straight person is their SEXUAL feelings toward the SAME sex. There are people out there that think Pedophile is the same as gay…. hello! it’s not. There are people who somehow feel threatened if there’s a gay person in their group…. why? Do they feel that gay person will somehow come onto them? or force them into gayness? lol gayness – new word.

    And as long as comedians like Craig Ferguson still use gay or homophobic material in almost every joke it will promote homophobia.

  5. Chris says:

    The mistake many people make in defining their sexuality is believing it is an either/or proposition instead of a more or less proposition. Let me provide my bona fides here, I worked for three and a half years at a unit that investigated child sexual abuse with a State’s Attorney Office in Illinois. Suffice it to say I have had experience with the spectrum of most sexual behaviors folks have acted out, at least in the waning years of the 20th Century. We are an inventive species to say the least. So, we live out our sexuality on a series of spectrums from exclusivity on one end in hetrosexual relationships to exclusivity on the other end with same sex relationships, but also from complete abstinence to hypersexuality. Like many other complicated things in life, it’s multi-dimentional. I think the trick is not only to be aware of one’s place on those spectrums, and develop a comfort level with it, but to realize there is a malleability to our personnas that changes with experience and maturity, both in the experiential and physical senses. And while we may congratulate ourselves on our open mindedness and depth of understanding on the issue of same sex relationships being within the norm of acceptable, which is to say, unremarkable, behaviors, yet we must recognize that there are legitimate limits to these behaviors as well. I suppose those limits, for me at least, revolve around the concepts of consent and harm. That is to say the partners in any relationship(s) must have some minimum ability to know what they may be getting into, be able to withdraw at any point they begin to feel danger or even discomfort, and have some sense of when a partner is having these feelings as well. It may seem trite, but the same considerations that promote lasting friendship; honesty, openness, and empathy, are likewise those factors that most promote the healthy expression of one’s sexuality.

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