Beyond Babedom

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Let’s Get Married – or Break Up

This post isn’t about forcing a decision, but  rather about forcing a realization. Which is why I invited my significant other to move in so we could decide unequivocally if we wanted to get married – or break up.

And that was the only choice. I mean, really, if you can’t figure out after 6 months whether or not it’s working, that says it all. Dr. Joy Brown claims that 6 months is how long the “honeymoon” period of any relationship lasts. You know – when you’re both so in love, can’t get enough of each other. Then suddenly, he’s unavailable.  “But we’ve spent nearly every day together up til now,” is that familiar, awkward cri de coeuer we have to hear from our girlfriends who just can’t understand what’s the matter.  I’ll tell you what’s the matter. Your six months are up. And he’s out of there.

In my case, I knew the six months were up. In fact, I knew they’d  been up for years. So, why was I still in the relationship? I don’t know. Maybe it was too comfortable, with no demands from him. Maybe we just looked too good together. Whatever the reason, I just couldn’t break it off and I needed him to be the heavy. So I invited him to move in. For 6 months. “We’ll either get married or break up,” I told him, knowing he was hearing only the first half.

But it worked. Faster than you’d imagine. Because after about two months he sat me down and said he was moving out. Which he did. That night.

So, I did it. Or, rather, he did it for me. Sometimes taking responsibility means forcing someone else to make a decision.

It also helps you avoid being the bad guy.

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This entry was posted on Sunday, January 30th, 2011 at 1:17 PM and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. David Alexander says:

    I made a similar decision you made, but the timeframe was not as specific as yours. I’m not sure where Dr. Brown gets the 6 month figure from. For some it takes a bit more time. I suspect women are paying more attention to the calendar then men are. No surprise there.

  2. Rita says:

    Knowing it’s time to breakup and not get married is what most do not realize.

  3. tony says:

    Tricky tricky tricky…. I agree.. Isnt this called passive agressive?

  4. Valerie says:

    Now you’re talking! That’s it! I agree with you 100%
    Two choices or step!


  5. Time is money. I must be broke.
    Each night I come home broken.
    Hardly the strength to take a poke
    at indignities unspoken.
    We want it all but we’re so incomplete.
    Love on a budget, trying to make ends meet.

    There are rules to our engagement.
    There are codes to what we speak
    and exercises we perform,
    but strength is the strength of the weak.
    We want it all but we’re so incomplete.
    Love on a budget, trying to make ends meet.
    It’s working. It’s a labor of love.
    It’s working. It’s a labor.

    If you love me why can’t you say it?
    If I hold you why don’t we touch?
    If we’re settled down what isn’t settled?
    Is asking asking too much?

    If money is the root of all evil
    we must be out on a limb.
    If a fool and his honey are soon separated
    then I must be him.
    We want it all but we’re so incomplete.
    Love on a budget, trying to make ends meet.
    It’s working. It’s a labor of love.
    It’s working. It’s a labor of love.

  6. Bud from Bayonne says:

    You know what they say, “Breaking up is hard to do”!!! They also say, “shit or get off the pot”! Depending on the amount of time you have invested determines how difficult it is to call it quits or to go foward. With all the stress associated with living in this world today
    making decisions can be a very perplexing situation.
    I have a friend who is currently experiencing this very delicate situation for whom I don’t envy. There is soooo much to consider when making a decision, of which no one wants to be wrong about.
    Sometimes I believe it would be easier to just stay alone and unattached. On the other hand it’s always nice to have someone by your side when the going is good.

  7. KC from CO says:

    I think that women more often than men push for the “all-in” or your out ultimatum. I made the mistake of saying yes when all the red flags said “NOOO!!!”. I was young, wanted to get married and have kids and thought she would be a good partner. There were TONS of red flags but I was young enough and dumb enough to think we could work through them. If I’d waited longer, I would have figured that out and saved us all a lot of heart ache. As a man, if (actually when)you are faced with this decision, it is important to remember that if it really was right for you, it wouldn’t be a decision at all. I felt pressure and caved, then being married I put up with all a woman I didn’t truly love for almost 19 years. Now she owns my house, I only get to see my kids 50-60% of the time and basically I’m 46 and starting over. I don’t miss my ex at all, I just think about all the wasted time, money and energy I put into something that I should have walked, OK run away from. If you relationship starts feel weird, it probably is a good idea to pay attention to that and realize why!

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