Beyond Babedom

We're (way) over 40. Deal with it.

What’s Mine Isn’t Yours

I don’t care what anyone says; I want my own money. I don’t want to get (or give) an “allowance” or to have to answer for every pair of shoes I buy (which would mean a whole lot of explaining). No, I want financial independence from everyone – including my husband. Which is why I’m still happily married.

Yes, Gary and I have kept our money separate since we got married. And, no, we almost never fight about money. Which to me says that money (whether you have it or not) is the key to disharmony in marriage. And, that’s not just me saying that. Do a Google search on “marital strife” and see how often money comes up in the equation.

Oh, I’m not saying Gary and I don’t fight. Ha. Our fighting is . . . legendary. We fight about who left what on the kitchen counter. We bicker over the details of an anecdote we’re sharing with friends. We argued walking down the aisle. But we don’t fight about money.  No, it’s not fighting that’s the problem in marriage; it’s money.

I guess one of the reasons we’ve been able to avoid those squabbles is because I grew up in a family of 8 (or more, depending on who was living with us at the time) that was a money pressure cooker – with Dad as the relief value. I can’t tell you how often I heard him going on and on about money:  how much things cost, how much we spent, how much we didn’t have. That was because we just didn’t have enough. But sometimes it was because he didn’t agree with how Mom spent it. Yeah, she sure loved to splurge on doctors and car mechanics. Anyway, I vowed that money would never be the source of discord when and if I got married.

And it made me vow I’d never rely on anyone, financially. And I haven’t. Do you really think I’d give up that independence simply because I got married?  I didn’t give up my own checking account and I didn’t give up my own name. In exchange, Gary didn’t give up being a musician. And for anyone who is married to a musician, you know what I’m talking about.

And we’re married almost 25 years. Not fight free, but virtually money-fight free. Which is pretty darn good.

And I can actually hear him vacuuming upstairs. What a dream come true!

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This entry was posted on Monday, January 24th, 2011 at 12:56 PM and is filed under Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

  1. Dick H says:

    I believe you may be wrong. It is not fighting. Taking a discussion up to the next level (raised voice and sweat along the hairline) should not be considered fighting. It’s just emotional discussion, and thank God for emotions. Only governments are allowed to go directly from the civil discussion directly to battle. You’re too nice to become a government.

  2. Tony says:

    Me and Jan have an average of 2 arguments a year…. very upsetting because she has this terrible habit of holding grudges… something that I don’t do. I can have an argument and an hour later be “back to normal”. Last argument we had she didn’t talk to me for almost 2 weeks! I don’t even remember what the argument was about.

    To avoid arguments, my technique has always been to acquiesse to whatever she wants. IF this means that our glassware is not washed to crystal-clear – oh well… or the kitchen is untidy – oh well… I will just have to suck it up.

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